You Knew Better

Someone in my life has let me down significantly. I trusted this person implicitly. They were an authoritative, almost parent like figure in my life. He took advantage of me and made me think it was my fault. He used my mental illness as an excuse to gain pleasure from my vulnerability. I already have trust issues with men so this was devastating. It was like losing a best friend, a parent and even a significant other all at once. Over time, the relationship became strangely flirtatious, but I just brushed it off because I have a tendency to misinterpret feelings and intentions from men. Then he took it to the next level and breached a trust that should have never been breached. The worst part was the gaslighting. He had me going over and over again in my head my actions that led up to this. After it came to a head last weekend, I spent the following week in agony. I thought I loved him. I thought I was going to spiral out of control. Finally yesterday, with a clear head, I realized this was not my fault. None of this was my fault. I was used, I was manipulated and blamed for my vulnerability. I won't say who this person is or what their part in my life was. Just know he should've known better. I have been grieving. I tried to go to a concert last night, but had to leave halfway through after being triggered by someone who reminded me of him. So yeah, it's fresh and I'm a little raw, but I have cried, I have spoken to my support system and once I am done, however long that may take, I'll move on. However, I am allowing myself time to really process this and pull any learning lessons I can possibly salvage from this. My birthday is in a week and I think I'm going into it with a solid mindset. 38 is actually my lucky number so hopefully this is my best year yet!