I hate the word "trigger." That word has been so trivialized over the last several years that it's kind of a joke now. A joke to anyone who has never been triggered. I am struggling right now. I can't go into depth about a particular situation, but let's just say it has triggered major rejection issues for me. On top of that, my psychiatrist thinks I may be experiencing cyclical moods which means my medication isn't working the way it should anymore. Which means when I was doing so well earlier last month, I may have been hypo manic which would explain the massive depressive spell I've been under the last week.
"Oh but Haywood, I saw you at a concert on Saturday and you seemed great!" I was. Music is like medicine to me. It was the best time I've had in a really long time. Then when I woke up the next morning, I could hardly get out of bed. I took my friend to the airport which left me all by my lonesome. She and the rest of my friends were out of town for Memorial Day Weekend (even my damn mom lol) so I did nothing and felt like a super huge loser. I did nothing but slept and ate. This sequence of events triggered my abandonment issues. I asked my psychiatrist today why I can't just accept that this is the way I feel, but know it's not logical and just move on. She explained that when your brain has been programmed for 20+ years to react a certain way every time I feel feelings of rejection or abandonment, it's hard to just shut down the automatic responses. Pair this with my mood disorders and it's just an adorable little concoction of "what the fuck am I supposed to do with this?"
All this being said, I feel much better today. I talked to my doctor, I'm writing about it like I told her I would even though I admitted I was afraid people stopped caring about these posts. But I'm not doing this for those who don't want to see it. I'm doing it for those who need to see it, whether that be many or few. Let's share our struggles with the world and let them know they're not alone!!